While I’m still în charge of my faculties, I’d like to give you some advice.
From when I was a child, I was always sinning. When my mother sent me to watch the animals up on the mountain, (my father had gone to America to work on the Panama Canal for us, his children, because we were poor), wherever I herded the animals, I slowly read the Life of St. John the Hut-Dweller, picking out the words, and I loved St. John very much. I said a lot of prayers, like the young child that I was, twelve or fifteen years old, I don’t remember too well. I wanted to follow his example. So, with no small amount of difficulty, I secretly left my parents and came to Kavsokalyvia on the Holy Mountain. I became obedient to two elders, Panteleimon and loannikios, who were actually brothers. It was my great good fortune that they were very devout and full of virtue. I loved them very much and because of that, with their blessing, I gave them absolute obedience.
That helped me a lot. I also felt great love for God and life was good. However, because of my sins, God allowed me to become ill, and my elders told me to go back to my parents in my village, St. John’s, on Evia. Although I had sinned a lot from when I was a small child, when I returned to the world I continued to commit sins and today they amount to a large number. The world, however, thinks highly of me, and everyone shouts that I’m a saint. I, however, feel that I ‘m the most sinful person in the world.
Of course, whatever I remembered I confessed, and I know God has forgiven me. But now I have the feeling that my spiritual sins are very many and I ask all those who have known me to pray for me, because, for as long as I’ve lived, I’ve humbly prayed for you, too. Now that I’m leaving for heaven, I have the feeling that God will say to me, ‘What are you doing here?’ I have only one thing to say to Him, ‘I’m not worthy to be here, Lord, but whatever Your love wills, that’s good enough for me’ From then on, I don’t know what will happen. But I hope that God’s love will come into play.
I always pray that my spiritual children will love God, Who is everything, so that He will make us worthy to enter His earthly, uncreated Church. We must begin from here. I’ve always made the effort to pray, to read the hymns of the Church, the Holy Scriptures and the Lives of the Saints. May you do the same. I’ve tried, by the grace of God, to approach Him and may you also do the same.
I beg all of you to forgive me if I’ve upset you in any way.
Hieromonk Porphyrios
Kavsokalyvia, June 4/17 1991
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